1. It is Jane Austen’s birthday, folks. Go do yourself a favor and watch some Pride & Prejudice. Or read it. Reading is always nice. I stayed up wayyyyy too late last night reading our book club selection (Edenbrooke) and I think that book was wanting to be the next P&P, but it really wasn’t. More’s the pity. I stayed up until 2 a.m. to read about a chick that twirls herself into trees and rivers like a toddler. I miss you, Jane Austen.
2. Is your December insanely busy like mine? Good gravy, I still haven’t even finished decorating! And then I wonder if there is any point in decorating when Christmas is 9 days away.
3. I heard a bunch of people complaining about their pre-lit trees’ lights not working, and I was all, “Pffft, our pre-lit tree is just fine and we have had it for 5+ years.” And then I plugged that butthole in and noticed two areas with no lights. Snap.
4. Our Advent calendar is laying on a bench instead of hung up. I bet it would be fun to actually move the candy cane each night, but no. It’s just laying there.
5. Kitty’s teacher brought in an Elf on a Shelf for their classroom so now my kids are aware of the blasted things. I’m resisting as much as possible because I really don’t need another thing to forget about each night during December. Plus also, those things are terrifying. I told Kitty we couldn’t have one and she said, “But, I love them! If you won’t buy one, I’ll ask Santa for one.” FREAKIN’ SANTA.
6. My basement is almost put back together.
7. It still hasn’t snowed, which is AWESOME. There is snow on the forecast for this weekend which is perfect timing as far as I’m concerned. School will be out, the kids can play in it and I don’t have to drive in it. In a perfect world, it would snow from December 20-26th. ONLY.
8. I never wrote up that Top Ten List about my mom’s bad cooking because… well, things that my siblings and I think are hilarious apparently don’t always translate to more functional humans. My sisters laughed and laughed over my other Top Ten List, but I’m not sure it was so funny to anyone raised outside the barn. ANYWAY, so instead of a list, I will give you this dazzling little nugget: According to Brady Family Lore, my mother once put green beans in cookies in place of chocolate chips. Any of you involved in a cookie exchange this month might want to give those bad boys a whirl.
Have you ever seen someone from across a room that you were sure was the most perfect human specimen on earth? Someone that was just so good looking, you couldn’t look away? And when you finally got up the courage to talk to them, you realize that they are a barking lunatic? I mean, they say something like, “My beliefs are fairly commonplace and simple to understand. Humankind is simply materialized color operating on the 49th vibration.” or “The biggest problem with the Star Wars prequels was that there wasn’t enough Jar Jar.” And you think, I’m going to pretend I didn’t just hear that and stare really hard at that beautiful face. Because… so pretty!
I think that is happening to me right now… with my house.
Last Wednesday, my sister in Utah texted me that she and her family of 5 were on their way to Yakima for our other sister’s wedding. They were planning on staying here, and I thought, “I’ve got 10 hours to scrub this dump until it shines.”. And also, “Yea! My sister is coming!”. A couple hours later, I heard beeping coming from somewhere, and told the kids to find the source. And then there was screaming and panic because… Well, did you know that fire alarms will go off when water is pouring through them? I didn’t know that.
Something was shouted about my niece’s bedroom downstairs and beeping and that she was freaking out. I ran downstairs and saw water gushing out of my niece’s bedroom ceiling, drenching her bed, and pooling up on the carpet. And then while I calmly ran to get a chair so that I could turn off our water (ahem, while I was running around in circles screaming Mormon swear words), part of the ceiling drywall collapsed onto her bed, and a tidal wave of water spread down the hall and across half the basement.
And so… we got to vacuum a couple inches of water out of our house Wednesday instead of getting my house ready for guests. Mr. Darcy kindly reminded me in calm, screaming tones that this is the 3rd time in four years this house has flooded and that he would like to set it on fire and dance naked around its burning shell. Mr. Darcy is better at removing himself from dysfunctional relationships than I am. He’s like, “That chick is crazy. Get away from me.” and I’m all, “Oooh, but it’s not her fault… I need to fix her! Her previous relationships did her wrong! They didn’t take care of her the way they should have!”.
An emergency plumber was able to squeeze us into his schedule, and the minute he shined his flashlight up into the ceiling he said, “NO! NO! NO! WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?! YOU CAN’T DO THAT!”. Because, the people that finished the basement used irrigation pipes inside the walls instead of pipes that are, you know, rated for in home use. And so the plastic irrigation pipe failed and exploded water everywhere. Now we have to try and find all of the faulty plumbing and replace it. Which isn’t paid for by our home owner’s insurance because they cover the damage, but not what caused the problem in the first place.
So, let me tell you something that will probably make you scream and then vomit. The crew that came in to fix everything, cut away the drywall in the basement bathroom. AND! Guess what they found in the walls? Go ahead! Just make a guess. Isn’t this game fun? So much fun.
ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY MOUSE CORPSES. Apparently, the mice find their way in through some exterior hole, get trapped in the bathroom wall and die. Seriously, is anyone else feeling a little dizzy?
Oh, Pemberley, you psycho house beast.
Anyway, that’s my story. How was your Thanksgiving?
It’s Nutty Family Week. Qwendy shared an awesome story of her dad hitting on her best friend at Thanksgiving, go check it out if you haven’t yet (qwendykay.blogspot.com). I thought and thought about which story to share, and in the end defaulted to a Dave Letterman inspired Top 10 List.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU GREW UP IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL HOME
1. When you mention your mother in passing one day, your five year old laughs in astonishment and says, “You don’t have a mom!”.
2. Your happiest childhood memories are from sibling Pig Out Parties (everyone pools their cash, goes to the store and buys $50 of ice cream, donuts, chips, and candy. Then sits in a bedroom and eats until they yearn for death. Literally, we would it eat ALL in one sitting.).
3. Your mom tells you that God thinks pants that zipper in the front are evil and you are forbidden to wear them. Only elastic waisted polyester slacks are worthy of the Celestial Kingdom. You are saddened that your high school-aged sisters will probably go to hell because they wear Levi’s shrink-to-fit jeans.
4. You have one entire wall in your family room filled with nothing but pictures of Jesus. Probably at least 50 pictures, arranged in chronological order from Bethlehem to the resurrection. Some are trimmed with lace, for some reason.
5. Your favorite memory of your father is when he rage-crushed a plastic water gun under his bare foot and then limped away while pretending that his foot didn’t hurt real, real bad.
6. When you wear make up for the first time, your mom says you look like “a horse”. You go back into the bathroom to try to figure out how eye shadow has somehow given you a horse face. Later on, you realize she said “whore”.
7. Your mom didn’t like how revealing normal swimsuits are, so she sewed herself a knee length, cap sleeved patchwork polyester suit that was trimmed with ric-rac (for some reason). She wore it to the public pool.
8. Your mom’s advice on marriage is “A bad husband is better than no husband.”.
9. At your wedding, the photographer asks for the bride and groom and both parents to kiss their spouse for a photo. Instead of kissing, your parents awkwardly stand and stare at each other. Afterwards, your mother complains that he had no right to tell her to kiss her husband because it wasn’t her wedding!
10. When you are five years old, your mother tells you that at the Second Coming of Jesus your ears will curl up into balls if they are pierced more than once.
You got any family craziness to share? While I was compiling this list (and while planning our Thanksgiving meal), I came up with another top ten list of all the terrible food my mom cooked, which you can look forward to next week. Because in addition to being a religious Nutball, my mom is also a terrible cook. Yea for blue hash browns!
I had this great idea for November. You know how everyone is doing this NaBloPoMo or whatever it is called? Posting every day during November? And how every previous year I would get the same idea and try to post every day? And ended up quitting about 3/4 of the way through after running out of even the most inane blog content?
Well, this year I decided to shake things up by hosting my own personal No-Mo-Blo-Po. An entire month devoid of blog posts! Doesn’t that sound… achievable?! You would think so. And yet here I am, ruining everything.
I promise you that someday I will post pictures of my kitchen, and when that happens the kitchen might even be completed. My sister is getting married after Thanksgiving and we are having family come to celebrate and I was really supposed to have the kitchen done by then, but it ain’t happening. I also had this fantasy of having the family room all board and battened and wallpapered up, but it’s still just as ugly as it ever was. I was thinking about stripping my farmhouse table and refinishing it. Nope. Hanging up the cute silhouettes of my offspring? Nah.
ANYWAY, Can you believe I broke my month long no-posting streak to tell you all the projects I wanted to accomplish but then sat on the couch instead? This is award-winning crap, I tell you what.
But first, what is the deal with all the Christmas stuff happening so prematurely this year? Am I drunk? Is it just me? Why are people already putting up trees and stuff? One holiday at a time, people, one holiday at a time. You’re ticking Thanksgiving off by skipping straight to Christmas. What’s Thanksgiving ever done to you? Stop being jerks. LEAVE THANKSGIVING ALONE.
Okay, I’m working on a post for next week about my crazy family. My blogging friend/fake sister Qwendy said, “Hey, let’s right about our crazy families on our blogs”, and I thought, “Eh, why not?”. Because people from dysfunctional families love other people from dysfunctional families. But, I’m struggling to find just the right amount of “Ha ha, that is so crazy” vs. “Ha ha? I feel like throwing myself off a bridge.”.
So, wish me luck.
I can’t believe I convinced everyone to coordinate their costumes this year. It was funny… some people figured it out right away and then some were like, “Oh, are you a tiger? And you’re a princess!”.
Next year I am going to try and convince them to go as the Von Trapps. It will take much bribery, I’m sure. But, wouldn’t we win Halloween? What if Mr. Darcy trained them to step forward and introduce themselves after his whistle? And we could sing Do-Re-Mi at every door?? Seriously, this is the best idea I’ve ever had and my kids are refusing to play along. Sigh.