I’m going to tell you about church yesterday. My mom wanted to, but I knew she wouldn’t be able to give an unbiased account.
Every Sunday, my dad leaves really early to go to church. I am embarrassed to admit this, but I struggle with that word. Not only is church long and agonizing, but I also can’t say it. I can’t pronounce “church”. The best pronounciation I can come up with is “tit”. So, I will notice that my dad isn’t home and ask my mom, “Daddy tit?” And she gets this smirky expression on her face every time. (Her superiority complex is so tiring.)
Grow up, woman. I can’t say “R’s”, alright? And although I try, “Ch’s” also elude me. Here I am trying my best to communicate, and she has to make a big joke out of it like she is a 12 year old boy.
Anyway, we get to church and immediately I remember the Candy Cane Man. There is this guy that sits up on the stand with Daddy that always has his pockets stuffed full of candy cane. Each Sunday after we sit on the benches for a long time, sing a song and say “Amen”, my mom lets me run up to the front and get a piece of candy cane.
This week I decided to cut to the chase. As soon as we got to our bench, I started asking for candy cane. My mom pretended that she couldn’t hear me, so I asked louder. Then louder. My daddy at the front of the church turned red and started shaking.
I wiggled out of the bench and started running up to the front, but Mom grabbed me before I could get to the Candy Cane Man. Ugh! What is her problem!? I screamed, “CANDY CANE!!!! CANDY CANE!!!” to try to explain where I was going since she is apparently too thick to figure it out on her own.
But, it was no good. She dragged me back to the bench and sat me on her lap, and I’ll admit… I was a little annoyed with her, so I decided it was time for payback. I grabbed the top of her sweater and yanked it down really hard. Then I yelled out as clearly as I could, “BOOBIES!!” And I pronounced it perfectly, loud and clear so that no one could make fun of me for saying it wrong. My mom turned red just like Daddy had and quickly covered herself back up. Ha!! That was very satisfying, I won’t lie.
But, I was still feeling a bit vengeful, so after she had pulled her sweater back up I yelled, “WHERE BOOBIES GO????!!!” like we were playing that peek-a-boo game.
She turned redder and shushed me. So, I yelled louder, “BOOOOOOBIES??? WHERE ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE YOUUUUUUUUUUU??!!” Now my big sister Lizzy was looking over at us with big eyes.
More shushing from Mom.
This is fun! Their expressions made me laugh so hard that I got a little silly. I flopped down on the bench, rolled from side to side and yelled, “Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! Boobies!” I was having the time of my life. Then she grabbed me and hauled me out of the chapel.
But, hopefully she has learned her lesson. I bet next week she lets me have candy cane the first time I ask. It’s going to take a little patience and diligence on my part but once I’ve got Mom trained, it will all have been worth it.