In the last few days I have thought a lot about blessings and losses. About things deserved and things required. I’ve thought about the four beautiful children I have and how lucky I am to have been given them. I’ve thought about the happiness I have found in motherhood. The desires I have to mother one more time. And even if what prompted these thoughts was something I created in my head, I became aware of how grateful I am for what I’ve received. I have much more than I deserve.
Coincidentally, all of these thoughts (and delusions) were occuring on the two year anniversary of Kitty’s birth. And I remembered the pain and anticipation that we felt two years ago today. I remembered the excitement and fear. The glorious moment when it was over.
You were what I wanted without knowing. You were the piece we were missing. I want another baby because I want a million more of you.
You with your rosy morning cheeks and fuzzy hair. You with your sweet, chirpy voice. You with your refusal to say “Please” and “Thank You”. Your bad manners, your slamming of doors, your throwing yourself softly on the floor to have a tantrum.
Your fearlessness in a swimming pool.
The way you ask the same question over and over and over. And over.
Your big blue eyes and curly hair.
That you will pass up french fries to gorge on tomatoes.
Your socially inappropriate fixation with my boobs.
That you asked to sleep with your new toy vaccuum tonight when I put you in bed.
How much you love your Daddy.
I love you, Baby. Everything is better with you here.