Tonight after dinner, I put my two little girls in bed and snuck out to my porch with a can of Amber Waves. And out in the warm spring air, I painted my screen door… stepping back occasionally to approve of the color.
Our stray/garage cat, Cali, rubbed against my legs looking for attention. I put down my paintbrush and playfully rubbed her belly. She gently swatted me with her soft paws. I picked her up and felt her pur.
The sky started to darken to a deep indigo. Crickets began chirping. The heat from the day was gone and a cool wind rustled the leaves in the trees. The hills to the west were outlined with gold as the sun dropped below them.
One at a time, my older three came outside to say goodnight and receive their bedtime hugs. They promised to brush their teeth. We parted ways for the night with declarations of love.
Adele and I sang into the darkening night, while I added a second coat. Cali licked herself clean and curled up a few feet away from me. The house was quiet. The only sounds left were the wind, the crickets, Adele and I, in stereo again for the first time in almost 3 years.
I love this family, these children, this home, this life. I love the wind and the hills, the light and the darkness, the lives that surround me. I feel overwhelmed by all that I have.
So tonight I made a deal with Heavenly Father. I will stop feeling sorry for myself because of my childhood. I will stop wishing for different parents. I have been carrying the wounds close to me for years, picking at the scabs so that they could never heal. It is time to let go of the hurt that occurred years ago and focus on the joy that is here right now. I will try.
I will really try.