TOP TEN SIGNS YOU GREW UP IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL HOME
1. When you mention your mother in passing one day, your five year old laughs in astonishment and says, “You don’t have a mom!”.
2. Your happiest childhood memories are from sibling Pig Out Parties (everyone pools their cash, goes to the store and buys $20 of ice cream, donuts, chips, and candy. Then sits in a bedroom and eats until they yearn for death. Literally, we would it eat ALL in one sitting.).
3. Your mom tells you that God thinks pants that zipper in the front are evil and you are forbidden to wear them. Only elastic waisted polyester slacks are worthy of the Celestial Kingdom. You are saddened that your high school-aged sisters will probably go to hell because they wear Levi’s shrink-to-fit jeans.
4. You have one entire wall in your family room filled with nothing but pictures of Jesus. Probably at least 50 pictures, arranged in chronological order from Bethlehem to the resurrection. Some are trimmed with lace, for some reason.
5. Your favorite memory of your father is when he rage-crushed a plastic water gun under his bare foot and then limped away while pretending that his foot didn’t hurt real, real bad.
6. When you wear make up for the first time, your mom says you look like “a horse”. You go back into the bathroom to try to figure out how eye shadow has somehow given you a horse face. Later on, you realize she said “whore”.
7. Your mom didn’t like how revealing normal swimsuits are, so she sewed herself a knee length, cap sleeved patchwork polyester suit that was trimmed with ric-rac (for some reason). She wore it to the public pool.
8. Your mom’s advice on marriage is “A bad husband is better than no husband.”.
9. At your wedding, the photographer asks for the bride and groom and both parents to kiss their spouse for a photo. Instead of kissing, your parents awkwardly stand and stare at each other. Afterwards, your mother complains that he had no right to tell her to kiss her husband because it wasn’t her wedding!
10. When you are five years old, your mother tells you that at the Second Coming of Jesus your ears will curl up into balls if they are pierced more than once.